i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
