Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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