just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Your cock deserves a montage
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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