dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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