'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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