if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
