I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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