I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
