Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
