Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
