We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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