Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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