I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
