I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
