Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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