Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
