Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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