Need sex. Gaining weight.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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