her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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