I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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