Someone shit on the floor
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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