i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
