The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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