do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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