Who wears a wallet chain?!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I want a musical about memes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
