How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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