As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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