I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
