dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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