i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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