From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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