So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
