3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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