you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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