I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize