I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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