can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize