Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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