I am puke
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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