His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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