I met the friendliest cop last night
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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