At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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