All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
