Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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