I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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