My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
