So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
