Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
