I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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