She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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