If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
