get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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