I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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