Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
