I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
