dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
