The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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