the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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