she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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