You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
