My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
