dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize