i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
