It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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