You're so nebulous sometimes
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
