i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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