I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
