I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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