I think im going to throw up on grandma
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
well you can't waste a boner
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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