I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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