happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
