New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. đ
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Liz Cheney wasnât exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying âYAS QUEENâ for in 2021 but here we are
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